God is funny....Devotional Day 8

"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."  Eph 4:32

On my facebook post, I share that Priscilla Shirer's Devotional Awaken has awakened me from a slumber and moved me from a relationship of "request" to a relationship of personal intimacy.  It really is unlike any devotional that I have done.  Priscilla said that this stemmed from her personal time with God and I can sense that.  It is unlike anything she has written before.  Her words are tender-hearted, she uses relatable stories and personal experiences to help you connect to the scripture and she has a way of asking questions to make you think; they are probing, but not accusing.  It is definitely her best book yet.

Above is the scripture for Day 8; with the title of "No More Circles."  The topic was on unforgiveness.  Priscilla shared the story of a circus pony that had been relegated to walking in circles day after day.  When he was freed and given a large beautiful pasture to roam, he still often walked in the same small circle that he did for so many years.  We do that, we easily get in a rut.  In this case we are talking about the rut of not forgiving others, which is no exception.  Priscilla says, "Unforgiveness keeps us relegated to the artificial boundaries created by yesterday's disappointments."  So we may even think we have forgiven, but those feelings creep right back up when we least expect them.

To be honest, I thought this day would be a simple one for me.  Forgiveness is something I try to keep a handle on.  I have those talks that may be uncomfortable with friends and loved ones when things get weird, because I love them and I am invested in them for the long haul.  I know when we don't address the small issues, things fester.  So while one conversation may be uncomfortable, I feel it is worth it for the sake of the long term relationship.

Yet, I became overwhelmed during my response time with the LORD.  I had unforgiveness in my heart that I was not aware of; unforgiveness had set boundaries from yesterday's disappointments.  Disappointments stemming from my injury so long ago.  My husband and I have endured a lot in almost 20 years since my injury, but those first few years were awful.  They were strangely enlightening at the same time, but more on that later.  Last fall I was again in the hospital and with my health there were many complications.  I spent over a month in the hospital and it was a very difficult time.  Just like in the early years of my injury, God began to separate me and pull me out for a time of pruning.  I felt so alone, asking God "why?"  Until I realized all over again that I was never alone and I understood, that the "why," was and is always to glorify him.  The pruning began just before my surgery and has continued up until recently.  Which is why I love this devotional - it brought me out of my slumber.  I struggled with these feelings of loneliness and being mad at God for the "set back," for the last year and a half, but on Day 8, God gently showed me that my struggle was really about unforgiveness - yesterday's disappointments.  The feelings I was having were yes real from my "current" circumstance, my stay in the hospital last fall was life threatening, but what it did was overwhelm me with a titlewave of emotions that I had experienced from the very beginning of my injury.  God enlightened me and once I understood I was able to confess my sin.  My precious Father then forgave me and my sins were washed clean.  I love my Savior.  And I love that I can go to Him, share with him and that he has the power to do that.  Isn't that awesome?!  He is a merciful God.

He's also funny.  I kept pausing in writing this blog and I did not know why, until I hit Day 12 in my Devotional: "Functional Leprosy."  God had something else to teach me....

Here is the scripture for that day,

"Naaman, captain of the army of the king of Aram, was a great man with his master, and highly respected, because by him the LORD had given victory to Aram.  The man was also a valiant warrior, but he was a leper."  2 Ki 5:1

A leper.  Functional Leprosy, hmmm.  You see Naaman, was a great warrior for the LORD.  He had a long list of accomplishments in God's army, but he had disease that if people knew that he had, he would become an outcast.   But he was able to conceal it.  Priscilla brilliantly notes that in today's world, "We've mastered the art of functional leprosy."  Isn't that the truth?!  I know I have.  We all have something that we struggle with that we may not even share with our closest love ones.  On this day, to start our dialogue with God, Priscilla gives us the scripture, "Search me, O God, and know my heart." Ps 139:23  This was a big one.  God revealed to me in my spirit on Day 12, that really all those months, I was not mad at my relationships, not even at God, well perhaps yes at both, but there was something deeper stirring. 

I would not forgive myself.

You see, I really have joy in going to the LORD and sharing that private, intimate time where he can teach me, love me, show me the error of my ways and put salve on my wounds.  And if you have ever experienced this, you think you will never leave his comfort.  But you do.  I did.  I began to grumble about the things that were going on, mainly because of fear of what was happening.  There were peaks and valleys of that "fire in my belly," and just because there was a valley, I felt like I disappointed my Father in heaven.  The more I felt like I had disappointed him, the more the valleys.  By far the biggest fear that I struggle with is disappointment, which I fear will ultimately lead to rejection.  This feeling stems from my earthly relationship, but I place it squarely on God and when I feel like I have disappointed him, I hide.  As if you can hide.

Can say this?  And please hear me.  Our Father in heaven never moves.  He loves us and he desires an ongoing, daily, intimate, personal and loving relationship with us.  He desires to gently bring us to see our sins, allow us to repent to a merciful, loving and forgiving Father, and he will put salve on your wounds to heal them.  Remember, Jesus came here to earth.  He is fully God, but he also experienced, being fully man.  He knows what it is like to struggle with pain, sorrow and relationships.  He knows your hurts and he has compassion.  I know my struggle with disappoint is just an internal one, it does NOT come from God.  I am reassured of that every time I go to sit at his feet.  While it can be humbling, you feel loved, and comforted, and like all else around you could crumble, but you are on solid ground, so it doesn't matter. So go to him.

Just know that if you struggle with unforgiveness of yourself or others, or you have trouble going to God.  You are not alone.  But please go!  He is waiting with open arms!  If you pray daily with requests and you feel like you are not being heard, may I suggest that you try Priscilla Shirer's Devotional Awaken.  Perhaps it will "Awaken" a new intimate relationship with God for which you have been longing.  Let me know how it goes!